lunadelcorvo: (Default)
Again, more drama, I just wanted to keep a copy of this...for some reason. Less angsty posts soon, I promise. (I'm really not usually a drama-lama; my ex is just pulling out all the stops recently. :/ )

angsty angry note; feel free to scroll past )
lunadelcorvo: (Default)
OK, this is going to be much whinging and drama and *hand*staple*forehead*, so feel free to skip if you like.

So my ex, with whom I have a...complex (and that's being kind, actually), relationship, decided to buy a condo literally right across the street from my house. I thought that was insanely creepy and stalkerish, and way too close for comfort, and told him so. His reasoning was that he wanted to be close to my...our..son. And I get it. But damn, right across the street?

This morning dawned, the first sunny day we've had in a few, and I'm in my bedroom. I open the curtains, look out at the lovely spring morning.... and BAM! Right there, under my fucking nose is the ex and his skanky fat ho (no, I would never say that normally, but in this case I think I'm entitled) leaving his place together.

This is the same guy, incidentally, what was all gooshy and lovey-dovey like just a few weeks ago.

I don't want hm back. I really, truly don't. I don't love him anymore. Sometimes I don't even like him! But this still unleashed an absolute shit-storm of emotions that had me literally shaking. This is exactly why I did not want him moving in across the damn street! I shouldn't have to be afraid to look out my window! At least he could have parked on the opposite side of the building, ferfux sake!

I texted him and said not to come to the house tonight and not to talk to me for a bit. And what did he do? The son-of-a-bitch threatened a custody battle. I ask him to stay away for a damn day or two and he pulls that. You know what? Sometimes I fucking hate that bastard.
lunadelcorvo: (Zuko frustrated)
My ex is generally OK. We get along, he's been helpful and supportive, he's never paraded another woman around me, he's never been vindictive. He's been ready to help with house issues (repairs and such, though I DO most of them), and he spends time with the kiddo. So I'm lucky.

But every now and again, he does this thing that completely fucks with my head. Saturday I was working in the yard, and bitching about getting older and not being able to work like I used to. He got this smile, like I haven't seen in years, all loving and flirty. And he said something about how I was always so sexy when I was working, and he loved to see it. And he remembered the first time he'd seen me really working hard, at my mom's house, years before we were married, and how he just fell even deeper in love... all in that sweet soft voice....

He does that sometimes; acts like we're newly dating or something. And it just fucking breaks me. I ducked away, changed the subject, finished the conversation, then spent half an hour sobbing my eyes out after he left.

Why? Why in hell would he do that? What the hell? Is this some obscure, bizarre way to torment me? Or does he have no clue how colossally that messes with my head?

Mind you, it's not even that I'm sitting here pining for him, or wanting to get back together - I'm not. I don't even know if I would want to if he tried; it would take such major changes in some very fundamental attitudes and viewpoints, and those are never a safe bet. And frankly, I don't know that I could ever trust him with emotional intimacy again. (Hell, I don't know if I will ever trust *anyone* with emotional intimacy again....)

So it's not like I"m all swoony about it. But shit! I gave him over 20 years of my life, and when he acts like it's 15 years ago, and it's all skittles and sunshine.... damn, that just tears me apart. WtF, dude?

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Things I need to remember:
• Asking for help is not, as it turns out, fatal.
• Laughing is easier than pulling your hair out, and doesn't have the unfortunate side effect of making you look like a plague victim.
• Even the biggest tasks can be defeated if taken a bit at a time.
• I can write a paper the night before it's due, but the results are not all they could be.
• Be thorough, but focused.
• Trust yourself.
• Honesty, always.

Historians are the Cassandras of the Humanities

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