Messing with my head
March 13th, 2017 04:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunadelcorvoMy ex is generally OK. We get along, he's been helpful and supportive, he's never paraded another woman around me, he's never been vindictive. He's been ready to help with house issues (repairs and such, though I DO most of them), and he spends time with the kiddo. So I'm lucky.
But every now and again, he does this thing that completely fucks with my head. Saturday I was working in the yard, and bitching about getting older and not being able to work like I used to. He got this smile, like I haven't seen in years, all loving and flirty. And he said something about how I was always so sexy when I was working, and he loved to see it. And he remembered the first time he'd seen me really working hard, at my mom's house, years before we were married, and how he just fell even deeper in love... all in that sweet soft voice....
He does that sometimes; acts like we're newly dating or something. And it just fucking breaks me. I ducked away, changed the subject, finished the conversation, then spent half an hour sobbing my eyes out after he left.
Why? Why in hell would he do that? What the hell? Is this some obscure, bizarre way to torment me? Or does he have no clue how colossally that messes with my head?
Mind you, it's not even that I'm sitting here pining for him, or wanting to get back together - I'm not. I don't even know if I would want to if he tried; it would take such major changes in some very fundamental attitudes and viewpoints, and those are never a safe bet. And frankly, I don't know that I could ever trust him with emotional intimacy again. (Hell, I don't know if I will ever trust *anyone* with emotional intimacy again....)
So it's not like I"m all swoony about it. But shit! I gave him over 20 years of my life, and when he acts like it's 15 years ago, and it's all skittles and sunshine.... damn, that just tears me apart. WtF, dude?
But every now and again, he does this thing that completely fucks with my head. Saturday I was working in the yard, and bitching about getting older and not being able to work like I used to. He got this smile, like I haven't seen in years, all loving and flirty. And he said something about how I was always so sexy when I was working, and he loved to see it. And he remembered the first time he'd seen me really working hard, at my mom's house, years before we were married, and how he just fell even deeper in love... all in that sweet soft voice....
He does that sometimes; acts like we're newly dating or something. And it just fucking breaks me. I ducked away, changed the subject, finished the conversation, then spent half an hour sobbing my eyes out after he left.
Why? Why in hell would he do that? What the hell? Is this some obscure, bizarre way to torment me? Or does he have no clue how colossally that messes with my head?
Mind you, it's not even that I'm sitting here pining for him, or wanting to get back together - I'm not. I don't even know if I would want to if he tried; it would take such major changes in some very fundamental attitudes and viewpoints, and those are never a safe bet. And frankly, I don't know that I could ever trust him with emotional intimacy again. (Hell, I don't know if I will ever trust *anyone* with emotional intimacy again....)
So it's not like I"m all swoony about it. But shit! I gave him over 20 years of my life, and when he acts like it's 15 years ago, and it's all skittles and sunshine.... damn, that just tears me apart. WtF, dude?
