Luna del'Corvo

I mean, it takes effort, because every day there is some absolutely insane thing happening, but here we go; a list of Good Things™.

It is a sunny, gorgeous day, supposed to hit almost 70. For February, that is a wonderful thing. Feb. is hard because it's usually so grey, so this is most welcome!

I splurged and ordered myself some new colored pencils (I do not need these; y'all have no idea how many colored pencils this gal has!) in hopes of getting my drawing groove back on. I've been at that place where I feel the itch, just not the motivation.

I am working on what I hope will be a cool thing for the kiddos at school. We're studying China, so I had them all color circles (about 7" across) with Chinese motifs but didn't tell them what for. Another SS teacher and I are going to assemble them with added head and tail, into two gigantic dragons that we will hang in the hallway outside our classrooms. It won't last the week, I am sure, but I hope it will be at least a little bit of a 'wow' for some of them. (Yes, I will post photos if it works out!)

My next unit will be the Middle Ages, which is something of a mixed blessing. Yes, it's my medieval jam, so that's awesome! I get to talk about the 12th C Renaissance and Dante and manuscripts... But I can't teach it in anywhere near the depth I'd like, and the studied indifference of the middle schooler stings a little extra when it's something I'm super enthused about. Alas... but Middle Ages! Yay!!!!

My tinkering project lately has been getting a somewhat 'modernized' (i.e. modded) version of Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion running and stable. Mixed success, but I'm discovering a lot of things that seemed incongruous in Skyrim actually make sense now, so that's cool.

I found a new place that has amazing (and cheap!) falafel, and the deliver to my school. I positively gorged on falafel and hummus for lunch, and it was glorious. It's funny how really good food can make things seem a bit better. Now I need a nap, though. Grrr.

So there we go. It's far from ground breaking, but it felt good to think about some positive stuff for a change.

Maybe it's just a matter of having the right people to talk to. This place was always about connections. So, let's see. Besides, maybe I'm due for a crazy leap of faith. Because sprouting wings on the way down is easy, right? Right?

Ah hell, banzai!

Huh. Things look different around here. Or maybe it's just been insanely long since I've been here. Maybe both....

I have tried to get back here many times, and not had it stick, so no promises. But I'm feeling journal-y lately (I've even been doing some pen and paper stuff), and while I love FB for some things... there's folks on there that I don't want to share my maunderings with, so....

I guess, I'll start with a recap of the last.... oh, I dunno, few years? Sheesh. I guess this can serve as an intro post if I end up adding some new folks, too.

So, let's start big. Last year I divorced my husband of 16 years, and I still haven't quite gotten my head around that. It was about as amicable and mutually supportive as such a thing can possibly be, for still being one of the suckiest things a person can go through, and we're still pretty friendly. That's good for my son, now in high school (holy shit!), so that's good. But it makes it damned hard to move on, to say nothing of knowing how to deal with the roiling blob of anger, hurt, fear, pain, betrayal, and such that more or less churns through my head nearly 24/7. It's not paralyzing (anymore), and most days it's a quiet murmur I can largely ignore, but sometimes it roars. And that's OK, it's part of the process of grieving and healing, I know that. It's just damned hard when the ex is in my house playing video games with my son, and I can't get away.

I'm about to finish my second Master's degree, which I took on because a) it was free, b) it would keep the student loans at bay, and c) I could gather some new references after both the kerfluffle at my last uni and the retirement of one of my strongest references. If you're new, my last MA was in Humanities with a focus on religious studies and medieval studies (Go, Dante!) This current one is communication. Yeah, I know, no real match there, but, did I mention, free? And I've gotten to branch out into some fun stuff like video game studies, so it's been OK.

I'm still teaching, six classes this time, at three schools. It's a lot of running around, and I get burned out, but overall, I love it. But it's a scary place to be. Every semester I'm on pins and needles hoping to get enough classes for the next semester. It was no big deal before, but now that I'm the only one paying the bills, and it's terrifying. Case in point: so far, for fall, I have two classes. That's it. One uni gave me two instead of the usual three, one hasn't gotten their scheduling done yet, and the high school doesn't make their schedule until mid to late summer. So I'm trying not to panic.

I am also deeply angry over my future. My ex is seven years younger, but he got his PhD first. The minute he finished, I started talking about finding a program for me, and he was all like 'What? We're not leaving here!' He knows there isn't a program I can take here, and since the only way I can manage solo is because I get to stay in the house, I can't move elsewhere, even if it weren't for custody issues. So I am pretty much out of luck. I will never get to earn my own PhD. That means the chances of my ever getting any kind of permanent, full time job, are next to nil. I will be scraping and scrambling to get enough adjunct classes until I don't get them and...what? go under? Or I keep going until I simply fall over.

I think that's the biggest issue I have with the divorce, and the end of my marriage. It took from me any future, any security, any possibility of any of the things one looks to as one ages; security, retirement, travel. He got his degree, with my support (he's always acknowledged he couldn't have done it without me), and now, I got nuthin.' I found out he wasn't even paying into a retirement account he set up and said he was paying into. So I don't even have that small bit of security. But hey, I have the moral high ground, right? Yay.

Well, this got gloomier than I intended, so I'll leave it for now. In most day-to-day ways, life is...OK, except when all this shit lands on my head and reminds me I'm one small misstep from disaster....

So, I will try to inaugurate my return to LJ not with a meme or quiz, as has been my wont, but with...just life. Here we go!

I'm done with classes for the summer. I got me evaluations, and they are pretty good. My numbers are still above national, institutional, and departmental averages. As far as comments, it's a mix, as it usually is. And it's rarely a surprise, either. There will be one or tow disengaged students that will whine about too much reading, too much writing, too hard, etc. Welcome to college! I'm a big pussycat compared to some of the best instructors I had; count your blessings, you lazy sots! The enthusiastic students will be complimentary, and occasionally offer legit critique or advice, which I actually welcome. The rest can barely be bothered to fill out the eval at all, and therefore refrain from comment. All my peer faculty assessments are glowing, so I'm tickled, all in all!

I'm doing this thesis thing (again!). Still not 100% sure WHY I'm putting myself through the thesis process again, but it's gong well, if slowly. I'm trying to use COMM theory to analyze early illustrated manuscripts of Dante's Divine Comedy. COMM theory is resisting. I'm (slowly) persevering. Good news is, once I beat the theory into submission, the rest is cake; I can talk Dante all day long!

I'm teaching the Photoshop summer camp for the third year, and I seem to have picked up two more, as well: websites and movies (egad! wish em luck on those; I know how to do both, but necessarily how to teach middle schoolers!). But it's quick and easy money, so no complaints!

Otherwise, I am chilling and enjoying the summer! Rather unlike many parents I talk to, I am actually thrilled when my kid is out of school; I hate sending him back in the fall! Although, we are really excited about this fall. He's going to a very small private school that bases its educational framework on classical education and Socratic method. They are amazing, and I am hoping this is what the Niblet needs. He's SO damned smart, but he hates school, largely because he sees he's getting crap for education. Here's hoping this gives him something to sink his teeth into!

So that's it. I'm relaxing between wrestling matches with the thesis, gaming a bit, doing a little Latin and Art with the Niblet, and just living. I like summer. :)

What a year it's shaping up to be! Over the summer, hubby's grandmother has had her health decline rapidly. Actually, this has been along process for years; she had MD, and had been losing strength and mobility steadily for years. THis year it's really been accelerating. Worse yet, her husband, himself in his upper 80s has been unable to let go and put her n a proper nursing facility. One the one hand, I understand this, especially knowing him. He's the epitome of "pride goeth before a fall," except he thinks that means when your pride goes away, that's when you fall. It's meant a lot to him that he's cared for her for so long, and he doesn't want to give up and admit he can't any more. But really, he should have, for both their sakes. Now, however, she's been diagnosed with advanced bone cancer. She's in hospice, she's lost any real kind of coherence, and it's unlikely she'll ever regain it. Heartbreakingly, in her pain and delerium, she rails against Papaw for trying to get rid of her. I can see the damage that does to him every time she says it. He's said outright he doesn't want to go on without her; I suspect he won't.

Naturally, all of this is, as I said, inevitable. With a condition like hers, we all knew it would end like this. Which doesn't make it one whit less awful to see. And of course, it's bringing back the pain of my mother's death all over. So yay. I feel for hubby, too, as he recently had a good friend who had suffered a long-term illness call hi out of the blue to say goodbye. He said he'd taken a turn, and wouldn't be seeing him again. We found out a few days later he and his wife checked into the swankiest hotel in town, had champagne and then committed suicide together. I made the news. Now his grandmother is past the point of no return, and his grandfather is swearing he won't outlive her.

His father (my father in law) has also been left nearly blind by a failed eye surgery in one eye and a blown vessel in the other in about a four week period. So, universe, if you're listening, we're good now, no more surprises, yeah?

Otherwise, I suppose things are fine. I feel totally overwhelmed with work this semester, but I suppose that's not altogether new either, I really want to finish up the last of the kitchen because, as wonderful as it is, it's been the f-ing elephant on my shoulder for the better part of three months and I'm so ready to set it down. However, it's going to be 8 weeks before the tile comes in for the backsplash, (which yours truly is installing) so it's more or less never going to be finished. (First world problem, especially in light of all the rest, but it's the little ones that bug ya, ya know?)

And I so did not intend to make this a pity party sort of diatribe. Ah well, bucket dumped; look for a slightly more upbeat post next time!

Still here, reading and not saying much. I've had a whole lot going on lately, both within and without my noggin. More on serious stuff another time.

So, I have this tendency to fall in love with fictional characters. It's sort of a serial monogamy of fiction crushes. I know I'm not alone, and overall, I think it's a good thing. I am the sort of person who tends to live in my own head quite a bit, and it can get lonely rattling about in my skull. It's nice to have playmates in there. Rich inner life and all that, yeah?

For the first time I think ever, I have two crushes going on at once, and one of them is even inspiring a vast outpouring of writing. Well, that has actually happened a lot, it's just almost never resulted in any *actual* writing happening. This time, pages are appearing before my very eyes. Very exciting stuff, that.

So, is it odd to fic ship a PC and NPC from a video game? (My Google results tell me no, it is far from unusual.) Nevertheless, it's interesting spinning out this story. Like all my stories (and even my dreams), it has a soundtrack, too. I can half see myself putting it out there, with a playlist on Last FM coded by chapter. When I do things, I do tend to go whole hog, it seems....

Anyway, odd as it sounds, that's the biggest thing (well, second biggest; if you know you know, and that's going pretty well all in all), going on with me right now. Summer is such an odd kind of limbo for me, but I like it. It lets me indulge in all these strange inward travels I take, chase dreams, explore new spaces with a warm breeze at my back. Isn't that what summer is for?

(My, aren't I all artsy and pretentious today? ;)

In other news, we have a second cat! Why? Well, for one thing, the vet recommended it when we were concerned about Widget, our adolescent rebel, being a bit too wild. And of course, I'm a sucker for a fuzzy face. I saw this really sweet cat at the adoption center at the local pet supply way back before Christmas. I was really taken with her then, but.... I hemmed and hawed. I wasn't ready.

We go to different locations of the same local chain, so I didn't get back there until last week. And sure enough, the poor thing was still there! (Apparently they have a really hard time adopting our black cats - I guess people are still scared of them or something. Oi!) I almost took her on the spot, but I decided I needed to sleep on it, to say nothing of consulting the husband. He gave the OK, so back I went, and one week ago today, Midnight joined our family!

She's a medium-haired mixed breed, all black, about a year old. Poor dear hadn't had any vet care until she was surrendered by her former owner (along with two others) because they couldn't afford to keep them. I'm really grateful they at least gave them up, and didn't dump them! Midnight was the last of the three to need a home, and I'm really happy she's our! She's a sweet, cuddly thing, purrs at the drop of a hat. She's still pretty hostile (if totally unafraid) of Widget, even though he's a good bit bigger than she is (she's tiny!). But Widget seems to just want to play, so I think they'll work it out fine. Here she is:

Midnight Second day, and she seems quite at home already. No too fond of Widget, our other cat though....

Portrait of a Princess She's a pretty lady, and she knows it! She's also tiny! She's at her full adult size, and she doesn't even top 9 pounds!

Widget And the boy of the house is getting to be a big, handsome boy! He's so cute with Midnight; he follows her around everywhere, and jumps a foot if she so much as looks back over her shoulder at him. I think he's OK with her, and just wants to play....

New year's is a funny holiday for me. Sometimes I find it deeply reflective, sometimes it comes and goes with nary a thoughtful pause. This year is somewhere in between. The whole holiday season has been a little strange. First there is the loss of my mom last January. It's been a painful loss through this season, which has always been deeply imbued with family, history, and heritage. At the same time, it has not been as painful as I expected, which leaves me on the one hand waiting for some kind of explosion (or perhaps I should say 'implosion'), or almost wishing I did feel it more. I suppose a natural part of growing through grief is giving yourself permission to heal, and to realize that healing isn't the same thing as forgetting....

Then again, last year at the holidays, I was still bogged down in classes, writing finals, getting my Master's finalized; I was still a student then. This year, I was closing out grades for my own students, after my first year of teaching. Last year we were still trying to feel wholly settled in the new house, this year we are more than settled, and I look out over not the leftovers of strangers, but the garden I myself sweated over, waiting to be planted again in spring. So in many ways it's like I'm living a different life than a year ago, and it seems far longer than 12 months.

As far as resolutions, I think I've said most years since I've been doing this thing, that making sweeping determinations once a year seems disingenuous at best, and pointless at worst. But I will say that I am not too sorry to see 2011 gone its way, and I hope 2012 holds new challenges, new rewards, peace healing, growth and happiness for all!

Grrr. Just grr. Why? I don't know, just 'cause.

Still coughing my fool head off and getting short of breath every damned five minutes - yuck. Plus fatigue like whoa. I am exhausted, full time, which sucks big hairy you-know-whats through a straw. For serious. I love fall, but it hates me, apparently.

One of the interminable lot of persnickety grandmothers decided to buy us a new bed mattress set, which is lovely, but we were not consulted on it, and really? If I'm going to sleep on it, I'd like to have some input in selecting it. Not to mention, even though we need a new set, I wanted to wait until we could actually get a bed to put them on, which we do not have. Gift horse dentistry aside, could we have maybe talked about this? Planned it out a little? I mean, thanks, but well, damn.

I just do not even have any freaking idea what to do with my life. PhD or not to PhD? Where? Drive 90 minutes each way 3x a week, or say the heck with it? I can't go forever teaching just one or two classes, much as I love doing so, and am pathetically grateful for the chance to do so. Still; bills, baby! And if I don't do that PhD, gonna be some pretty sizable student loan bills comin' round, yo. So I either need to get back into school, or get some grown up money going on.

So while I ponder my money-making options (in the worst economy more or less ever - yay that), I'm looking for conferences to send paper proposals to, and considering substitute teaching (gulp!). I have my doubts about this, really. I mean, the money is OK (not great by any means, but OK), but really, me in a room full of 6-year-olds? More specifically, in a room full of 6-year-olds none of which are mine? I.... dunno... Plus, really early mornings, so not my strong suit. And how in the heck we'll manage Niblet drop off/pick up, I have no freaking clue....

So yep, could be oodles worse, but kinda feeling like the world is spinning a good bit faster than I can run, and it's only a matter of time before I go flying....

Funny how life kicks you in the head, then hands you a treat. In the midst of the chaos surrounding my mom, I find out I have three courses to teach for fall. One is an intro to American Christianity, the other two are bona fide medieval studies courses! This is really, really awesome. And I'll be really really excited about it any time now... Naw, I really am happy, it just seems odd right now.

Getting back into this thing called life, and so far, it's kind of nice! I've been doing a lot around the house - decorating, cleaning, getting hastily moved piles of stuff sorted at last...

I got the niftiest little space heater for the family room; it looks like a wood-burning stove, and it has those odd lights that look like a fire. It's cheesy, but I love it! And this is now one of the warmest rooms in the house! Yay!

I spent several hours in the basement getting the workbench and all the tools arranged and sorted today. Hubby now has a full set of tools he can take to various projects without leaving me tool-less and irritated. Plus, I now have a nice clean Ms. Fix-it space. W00t!

Father-in-law is recovering from surgery, and doing really well, and Mom is still waiting to hear the results of the biopsy - which reminds me, time to chase that down! But she feels fine, and she's really excited about the new facility she'll be moving into in January.

It's funny - I feel like I've been sort of keeping quiet about everything until I was done with school, even unrelated things. I do have a bit of venting to get off my chest, but that can keep until my revisions are approved. Still, it's weird to think I won't be taking classes in Spring. And oddly anti-climactic! LOL Then again, I am sure that will fade when I am burning the midnight oil getting all my syllabus info together and such!

Ugh. I need coffee, and a shower, then off to pick up the boy, and go visiting relatives!

Still unpacking. Urgh! If I have to step over/on/around one more cardboard box, I'll..... well, remind myself to unpack it eventually is what I'll do. But I am taking the time to do things right, and trying to sort out a log of stuff as I go. Unfortunately, this equates with stuffing a helluva lot of stuff into the basement until some mysterious, fictional time in the future when I will actually deal with all the heaps of heaven-knows-what-all I haven't a clue what to do with. I need to grow a spine and rent a dumpster..... alas.

Back on track to finish this semester! Yay! New topic, new committee, new format - it's like all the crap last spring/summer never happened. Well, sort of. But it's forward motion, and I am pretty jazzed about the new topic, so all is good! Classes are proving to be enjoyable and relatively stress free, which is a big plus. I am working with all new profs, even in fairly new departments, which is odd, but all things considered, a good thing.

I don't see much of any of the faculty I used to, aside from the chance passing in the quad and such, but again, for the present, perhaps that's for the best. I'm not entirely over my sense of disillusion and betrayal yet, but I'm getting there. Or at least, I'm leaving it behind, which will suffice for the moment!

We have added to the residents of our "Conservatory" (what my son calls our sunroom). The Conservatory houses all the house plants, the original 29gal fish tank, a newer 20gal tank, and now, a 5.5gal with three hermit crabs! And now my son's class is looking to adopt out a few anoles, so we may end up with a few of them as well.

I never thought I'd add 'zookeeper' to my list of job titles, but I must say, it's quite rewarding. Although, I do wish the mollies would stop already! We are on our fifth batch (spawn? brood? clutch?) of molly babies, and even though we have given away about 35 or 40, we currently have something on the order of 75 mollies! This is sustainable when they are no bigger than this---> • but gets to be a problem when they get to be regular fish-sized....

I think it's time to round up all but one or two of the last brood and take them to the petstore. Unfortunately, I think the gold male has been making eyes at the big silver female, so I am sure we have not seen the last population explosion by a long shot! (Is it dastardly of me to be considering a fish that tends toward the carnivorous? Those babies could keep an Arowana happy for a good long time.... Maybe our home is not the best place to teach the Niblet how the food chain really works....)

Anyway, off to read, cite and write! Cheers!

P.S. We've begun the spookification of the new digs! Whee! I do love Hallowe'en!