When your past speaks....

April 11th, 2017 02:11 am
lunadelcorvo: (Default)
I was reading back through some old quizzes from the early days of my LJ, and...apparently this was a quiz result:

Mad Girl's Love Song
By Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Wow. It's like they know me.....
  • She is lonely
Keywords:

Messing with my head

March 13th, 2017 04:41 pm
lunadelcorvo: (Zuko frustrated)
My ex is generally OK. We get along, he's been helpful and supportive, he's never paraded another woman around me, he's never been vindictive. He's been ready to help with house issues (repairs and such, though I DO most of them), and he spends time with the kiddo. So I'm lucky.

But every now and again, he does this thing that completely fucks with my head. Saturday I was working in the yard, and bitching about getting older and not being able to work like I used to. He got this smile, like I haven't seen in years, all loving and flirty. And he said something about how I was always so sexy when I was working, and he loved to see it. And he remembered the first time he'd seen me really working hard, at my mom's house, years before we were married, and how he just fell even deeper in love... all in that sweet soft voice....

He does that sometimes; acts like we're newly dating or something. And it just fucking breaks me. I ducked away, changed the subject, finished the conversation, then spent half an hour sobbing my eyes out after he left.

Why? Why in hell would he do that? What the hell? Is this some obscure, bizarre way to torment me? Or does he have no clue how colossally that messes with my head?

Mind you, it's not even that I'm sitting here pining for him, or wanting to get back together - I'm not. I don't even know if I would want to if he tried; it would take such major changes in some very fundamental attitudes and viewpoints, and those are never a safe bet. And frankly, I don't know that I could ever trust him with emotional intimacy again. (Hell, I don't know if I will ever trust *anyone* with emotional intimacy again....)

So it's not like I"m all swoony about it. But shit! I gave him over 20 years of my life, and when he acts like it's 15 years ago, and it's all skittles and sunshine.... damn, that just tears me apart. WtF, dude?
  • She is crushed
Keywords:

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Things I need to remember:
• Asking for help is not, as it turns out, fatal.
• Laughing is easier than pulling your hair out, and doesn't have the unfortunate side effect of making you look like a plague victim.
• Even the biggest tasks can be defeated if taken a bit at a time.
• I can write a paper the night before it's due, but the results are not all they could be.
• Be thorough, but focused.
• Trust yourself.
• Honesty, always.

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