Bad dreams....
April 18th, 2017 03:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunadelcorvo(Non sequitur: Why is it that when I'm looking for a cheerful, upbeat icon, I think all I have is doom and gloom, and then when I'm looking for a sad/stressed icon, I think ;why the hell are all of you so damned chipper?')
SO I had a nap today, and regretted it. Generally speaking, the worst nightmares I have are actually 'nap-mares,' and today was a doozie.
As with dreams, I don't know how it started, but my ex was being invasive and intrusive (which he actually was this morning to my great irritation), and kept making all kinds of come-ons and getting handsy (which he also does, and it makes me want to freaking scream).
Well, in the dream he got pushy, *really* pushy to where I was literally struggling to get away and yelling 'No, no, no, no' over and over, except in dreams you try to shout or scream and no noise comes out. SO I finally got away, and kicked him out, and he came back a little while later and said he would take all the dirty pictures and movies we made when we were first married, and put them on the internet and send them to everyone I work with if I didn't have sex with him. I don't know what I replied, because then I woke up. I drifted off again a minute or so later, and had a more pleasant dream (which I can't remember now, damn the luck), but even when I got up I was pretty wigged out.
Mind you, while he has some serious comprehension issues about consent and sex and stuff on a conceptual level, he has *never* used violence or force on my or anyone. But I think it says a lot about how I feel about him, our relationship and its end, and how sex became a power play between us, with me on the losing side every time. It's just kind of surprising for it to crop up NOW - it's been almost 2 years that the divorce was final.
Clearly, I still have issues with his control in and sometimes meddling in my life. But at the same time, he's also typically extremely supportive and helpful, and I'm not entirely in a position to tell him to fuck off. And sometimes he's still my best friend, in some ways, anyway. Then there's my kid - I want them to have a good relationship, and my getting draconian about barring him from my presence isn't going to help that at all. But clearly I do need to modify my boundaries a bit.
The question is, how?
And why can't I have delicious, sexy paladin/templar/warden/hunter type dreams instead of ooky issues ones?
SO I had a nap today, and regretted it. Generally speaking, the worst nightmares I have are actually 'nap-mares,' and today was a doozie.
As with dreams, I don't know how it started, but my ex was being invasive and intrusive (which he actually was this morning to my great irritation), and kept making all kinds of come-ons and getting handsy (which he also does, and it makes me want to freaking scream).
Well, in the dream he got pushy, *really* pushy to where I was literally struggling to get away and yelling 'No, no, no, no' over and over, except in dreams you try to shout or scream and no noise comes out. SO I finally got away, and kicked him out, and he came back a little while later and said he would take all the dirty pictures and movies we made when we were first married, and put them on the internet and send them to everyone I work with if I didn't have sex with him. I don't know what I replied, because then I woke up. I drifted off again a minute or so later, and had a more pleasant dream (which I can't remember now, damn the luck), but even when I got up I was pretty wigged out.
Mind you, while he has some serious comprehension issues about consent and sex and stuff on a conceptual level, he has *never* used violence or force on my or anyone. But I think it says a lot about how I feel about him, our relationship and its end, and how sex became a power play between us, with me on the losing side every time. It's just kind of surprising for it to crop up NOW - it's been almost 2 years that the divorce was final.
Clearly, I still have issues with his control in and sometimes meddling in my life. But at the same time, he's also typically extremely supportive and helpful, and I'm not entirely in a position to tell him to fuck off. And sometimes he's still my best friend, in some ways, anyway. Then there's my kid - I want them to have a good relationship, and my getting draconian about barring him from my presence isn't going to help that at all. But clearly I do need to modify my boundaries a bit.
The question is, how?
And why can't I have delicious, sexy paladin/templar/warden/hunter type dreams instead of ooky issues ones?
no subject
Date: April 18th, 2017 08:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: April 18th, 2017 11:02 pm (UTC)I'm actually quite OK with things, and I have never doubted that ending my marriage was the right thing to do. But as glad as I am that we split 'amicably,' in some ways I think it might be easier if we just didn't have to interact ALL the time.... When he moved out, he bought a condo - across the street from my house. *headdesk* Which is super-creepy, but also kind of convenient if something ever happens, or if my kid locks himself out or whatever. He picks my son up from my house and comes in every morning to take him to school, which is annoying, but OMG I'm so glad I don't have to (I teach early, too, so it would be a mad dash every morning), and it gives them time together. It's a big push-me-pull-ypu, and it needs tweaking sometimes. I guess....
no subject
Date: April 18th, 2017 11:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: April 18th, 2017 08:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: April 18th, 2017 11:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: April 19th, 2017 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: April 19th, 2017 05:50 pm (UTC)