lunadelcorvo: (Default)
[personal profile] lunadelcorvo
I change my mind probably twenty times a day.

"No, I can't possible leave all this behind..."

"I have to, I'm slowly dying here. This is for the best."

"But scary, alone, poor, vulnerable, never-gonna-own-a -house-again!"

"Buck up chicken-shit!"

"My kitchen....my home, my family, my life....how can I tear this all apart?"

"You have to, or it will bury you."

"But....."

And so it goes, all day, every day.

I am so, so, so scared. I don't make enough to live on, really. Not just 'not to live like I am now,' but I don't know how I'll do it at all. What if I lose my kid's health insurance? Can't pay his tuition? I could lose my kid!!! And to leave here? Do I have the chops to find enough work elsewhere? I keep hearing how badly adjuncts have it...would I lose whatever shred of job security I have (which isn't much!) if I leave here? Do I stand a chance of finding a PhD Program? Can I make it through if I do? Can I do anything with it if I do finish it?

Gods, I am so scared. Sometimes that feels like...rebirth. Sometimes it feels like just dying.

Date: September 24th, 2014 05:06 pm (UTC)
tintmylf: (life)
From: [personal profile] tintmylf
Deep breaths. And small steps.

You don't have to commit to every change simultaneously. An obvious example, moving somewhere else can wait until you have something lined up (i.e., rather than move to new place and look for work/school, find work/school first, then move).

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Things I need to remember:
• Asking for help is not, as it turns out, fatal.
• Laughing is easier than pulling your hair out, and doesn't have the unfortunate side effect of making you look like a plague victim.
• Even the biggest tasks can be defeated if taken a bit at a time.
• I can write a paper the night before it's due, but the results are not all they could be.
• Be thorough, but focused.
• Trust yourself.
• Honesty, always.

Historians are the Cassandras of the Humanities

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