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lunadelcorvoI change my mind probably twenty times a day.
"No, I can't possible leave all this behind..."
"I have to, I'm slowly dying here. This is for the best."
"But scary, alone, poor, vulnerable, never-gonna-own-a -house-again!"
"Buck up chicken-shit!"
"My kitchen....my home, my family, my life....how can I tear this all apart?"
"You have to, or it will bury you."
"But....."
And so it goes, all day, every day.
I am so, so, so scared. I don't make enough to live on, really. Not just 'not to live like I am now,' but I don't know how I'll do it at all. What if I lose my kid's health insurance? Can't pay his tuition? I could lose my kid!!! And to leave here? Do I have the chops to find enough work elsewhere? I keep hearing how badly adjuncts have it...would I lose whatever shred of job security I have (which isn't much!) if I leave here? Do I stand a chance of finding a PhD Program? Can I make it through if I do? Can I do anything with it if I do finish it?
Gods, I am so scared. Sometimes that feels like...rebirth. Sometimes it feels like just dying.
"No, I can't possible leave all this behind..."
"I have to, I'm slowly dying here. This is for the best."
"But scary, alone, poor, vulnerable, never-gonna-own-a -house-again!"
"Buck up chicken-shit!"
"My kitchen....my home, my family, my life....how can I tear this all apart?"
"You have to, or it will bury you."
"But....."
And so it goes, all day, every day.
I am so, so, so scared. I don't make enough to live on, really. Not just 'not to live like I am now,' but I don't know how I'll do it at all. What if I lose my kid's health insurance? Can't pay his tuition? I could lose my kid!!! And to leave here? Do I have the chops to find enough work elsewhere? I keep hearing how badly adjuncts have it...would I lose whatever shred of job security I have (which isn't much!) if I leave here? Do I stand a chance of finding a PhD Program? Can I make it through if I do? Can I do anything with it if I do finish it?
Gods, I am so scared. Sometimes that feels like...rebirth. Sometimes it feels like just dying.
no subject
Date: September 24th, 2014 05:06 pm (UTC)You don't have to commit to every change simultaneously. An obvious example, moving somewhere else can wait until you have something lined up (i.e., rather than move to new place and look for work/school, find work/school first, then move).