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Wow. Not dead yet, it seems....
March 16th, 2016 04:55 pmHuh. Things look different around here. Or maybe it's just been insanely long since I've been here. Maybe both....
I have tried to get back here many times, and not had it stick, so no promises. But I'm feeling journal-y lately (I've even been doing some pen and paper stuff), and while I love FB for some things... there's folks on there that I don't want to share my maunderings with, so....
I guess, I'll start with a recap of the last.... oh, I dunno, few years? Sheesh. I guess this can serve as an intro post if I end up adding some new folks, too.
So, let's start big. Last year I divorced my husband of 16 years, and I still haven't quite gotten my head around that. It was about as amicable and mutually supportive as such a thing can possibly be, for still being one of the suckiest things a person can go through, and we're still pretty friendly. That's good for my son, now in high school (holy shit!), so that's good. But it makes it damned hard to move on, to say nothing of knowing how to deal with the roiling blob of anger, hurt, fear, pain, betrayal, and such that more or less churns through my head nearly 24/7. It's not paralyzing (anymore), and most days it's a quiet murmur I can largely ignore, but sometimes it roars. And that's OK, it's part of the process of grieving and healing, I know that. It's just damned hard when the ex is in my house playing video games with my son, and I can't get away.
I'm about to finish my second Master's degree, which I took on because a) it was free, b) it would keep the student loans at bay, and c) I could gather some new references after both the kerfluffle at my last uni and the retirement of one of my strongest references. If you're new, my last MA was in Humanities with a focus on religious studies and medieval studies (Go, Dante!) This current one is communication. Yeah, I know, no real match there, but, did I mention, free? And I've gotten to branch out into some fun stuff like video game studies, so it's been OK.
I'm still teaching, six classes this time, at three schools. It's a lot of running around, and I get burned out, but overall, I love it. But it's a scary place to be. Every semester I'm on pins and needles hoping to get enough classes for the next semester. It was no big deal before, but now that I'm the only one paying the bills, and it's terrifying. Case in point: so far, for fall, I have two classes. That's it. One uni gave me two instead of the usual three, one hasn't gotten their scheduling done yet, and the high school doesn't make their schedule until mid to late summer. So I'm trying not to panic.
I am also deeply angry over my future. My ex is seven years younger, but he got his PhD first. The minute he finished, I started talking about finding a program for me, and he was all like 'What? We're not leaving here!' He knows there isn't a program I can take here, and since the only way I can manage solo is because I get to stay in the house, I can't move elsewhere, even if it weren't for custody issues. So I am pretty much out of luck. I will never get to earn my own PhD. That means the chances of my ever getting any kind of permanent, full time job, are next to nil. I will be scraping and scrambling to get enough adjunct classes until I don't get them and...what? go under? Or I keep going until I simply fall over.
I think that's the biggest issue I have with the divorce, and the end of my marriage. It took from me any future, any security, any possibility of any of the things one looks to as one ages; security, retirement, travel. He got his degree, with my support (he's always acknowledged he couldn't have done it without me), and now, I got nuthin.' I found out he wasn't even paying into a retirement account he set up and said he was paying into. So I don't even have that small bit of security. But hey, I have the moral high ground, right? Yay.
Well, this got gloomier than I intended, so I'll leave it for now. In most day-to-day ways, life is...OK, except when all this shit lands on my head and reminds me I'm one small misstep from disaster....
I have tried to get back here many times, and not had it stick, so no promises. But I'm feeling journal-y lately (I've even been doing some pen and paper stuff), and while I love FB for some things... there's folks on there that I don't want to share my maunderings with, so....
I guess, I'll start with a recap of the last.... oh, I dunno, few years? Sheesh. I guess this can serve as an intro post if I end up adding some new folks, too.
So, let's start big. Last year I divorced my husband of 16 years, and I still haven't quite gotten my head around that. It was about as amicable and mutually supportive as such a thing can possibly be, for still being one of the suckiest things a person can go through, and we're still pretty friendly. That's good for my son, now in high school (holy shit!), so that's good. But it makes it damned hard to move on, to say nothing of knowing how to deal with the roiling blob of anger, hurt, fear, pain, betrayal, and such that more or less churns through my head nearly 24/7. It's not paralyzing (anymore), and most days it's a quiet murmur I can largely ignore, but sometimes it roars. And that's OK, it's part of the process of grieving and healing, I know that. It's just damned hard when the ex is in my house playing video games with my son, and I can't get away.
I'm about to finish my second Master's degree, which I took on because a) it was free, b) it would keep the student loans at bay, and c) I could gather some new references after both the kerfluffle at my last uni and the retirement of one of my strongest references. If you're new, my last MA was in Humanities with a focus on religious studies and medieval studies (Go, Dante!) This current one is communication. Yeah, I know, no real match there, but, did I mention, free? And I've gotten to branch out into some fun stuff like video game studies, so it's been OK.
I'm still teaching, six classes this time, at three schools. It's a lot of running around, and I get burned out, but overall, I love it. But it's a scary place to be. Every semester I'm on pins and needles hoping to get enough classes for the next semester. It was no big deal before, but now that I'm the only one paying the bills, and it's terrifying. Case in point: so far, for fall, I have two classes. That's it. One uni gave me two instead of the usual three, one hasn't gotten their scheduling done yet, and the high school doesn't make their schedule until mid to late summer. So I'm trying not to panic.
I am also deeply angry over my future. My ex is seven years younger, but he got his PhD first. The minute he finished, I started talking about finding a program for me, and he was all like 'What? We're not leaving here!' He knows there isn't a program I can take here, and since the only way I can manage solo is because I get to stay in the house, I can't move elsewhere, even if it weren't for custody issues. So I am pretty much out of luck. I will never get to earn my own PhD. That means the chances of my ever getting any kind of permanent, full time job, are next to nil. I will be scraping and scrambling to get enough adjunct classes until I don't get them and...what? go under? Or I keep going until I simply fall over.
I think that's the biggest issue I have with the divorce, and the end of my marriage. It took from me any future, any security, any possibility of any of the things one looks to as one ages; security, retirement, travel. He got his degree, with my support (he's always acknowledged he couldn't have done it without me), and now, I got nuthin.' I found out he wasn't even paying into a retirement account he set up and said he was paying into. So I don't even have that small bit of security. But hey, I have the moral high ground, right? Yay.
Well, this got gloomier than I intended, so I'll leave it for now. In most day-to-day ways, life is...OK, except when all this shit lands on my head and reminds me I'm one small misstep from disaster....
