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I'm sorry if this journal has become 'all divorce all the time,' but it's the only place I really have to share this journey I'm making. FB does not lend itself to any depth, and I will never trust it's privact settings enough to post anything sensitive there! So pardon my ramblings, and scroll past if you need to; I'll understand completely!
So, it seems that my head adjusting to this idea of taking apart my life, or at least the physical manifestation of it; my home is actually healthy. So my therapist tells me. It still feels creepy, but I guess it's better than being frozen like the proverbial deer in the headlights, so I'll run with it being a good thing.
The other thing I am still struggling mightily with is my conflict over the other guy II kind of crushed on (OK, I can't keep calling him 'the guy,' so I'll call him Will). So, Will. My problem is that even though I have been dancing around the failure of this marriage for years (maybe even more than a decade, depending on how you reckon it), just the idea that I briefly got a bit smitten with someone else makes me worry that I am not actually acting responsibly in terms of taking apart my marriage. How often do you see someone who suddenly throws away a long, stable, and loving relationship on a whim over someone she's just met? It's SO easy for everyone else to see how stupid that is; heck I've watched it happen! I don't want to do that. (Not that one could call this relationship stable or healthy in any way, but still...)
So that's been making it a lot harder for me to give myself permission to move forward with the idea of leaving, even emotionally. But something hit me the other day. I'm not 100% sure I buy it (yet), but I think I might be onto something. I don't intend to spend the rest of my life alone after I leave. If I leave now, and get back on my feet, and feel whole and ready, I will eventually, somehow, somewhere, I pursue another relationship, or make the attempt. OK, no problem there. As it is, were Will still the picture, it's possible that when I'm ready, I might at least try to pursue something with him (if he's even around or ready [he may not be; he has his own battles to fight], if he's still unattached, etc.) So does it matter if I know that? It will be someone anyway, does it really make that much difference if I think it might be him? And really, it was a brief meeting, a momentary crush, so it's not even likely that it would be. As long as I am sure that I'm not leaving this relationship FOR him (and a weekend crush plus roughly over a decade of wrestling with the question qualifies), does it matter? It's still scary to imagine, but I'm thinking it doesn't.
Then again, part of my fear could be that I might be assuming that once I leave, I can go find this guy and he and I can happily get together and that's actually WILDLY unrealistic and then....what? I'll be alone? I'll be hurt? My heart will be broken? I'm contemplating divorce and being single again; those are pretty much a given at some point. That's simply a risk of leaving a relationship regardless; maybe you leave this one and the next one won't work out. Welcome to life, yeah? That will be a risk I will take whenever I someday try to build a new relationship. Again, as long as I can be sure I'm not leaving BECAUSE of Will, so what? And really, I am sure.
So, for now, my timeline remains:: conversation after the holidays, likely resulting in separation. No idea what we'll do about the house, we have the sprout, so there will be lawyers and custody and crap. *shudder* I'm thinking maybe over summer, depending on how and what the Niblet is doing, I might start applying to PhD programs.
It's not much of a plan, I suppose, but it's a start. It's a start that feels oddly like...sanity. And freedom, even?
So, it seems that my head adjusting to this idea of taking apart my life, or at least the physical manifestation of it; my home is actually healthy. So my therapist tells me. It still feels creepy, but I guess it's better than being frozen like the proverbial deer in the headlights, so I'll run with it being a good thing.
The other thing I am still struggling mightily with is my conflict over the other guy II kind of crushed on (OK, I can't keep calling him 'the guy,' so I'll call him Will). So, Will. My problem is that even though I have been dancing around the failure of this marriage for years (maybe even more than a decade, depending on how you reckon it), just the idea that I briefly got a bit smitten with someone else makes me worry that I am not actually acting responsibly in terms of taking apart my marriage. How often do you see someone who suddenly throws away a long, stable, and loving relationship on a whim over someone she's just met? It's SO easy for everyone else to see how stupid that is; heck I've watched it happen! I don't want to do that. (Not that one could call this relationship stable or healthy in any way, but still...)
So that's been making it a lot harder for me to give myself permission to move forward with the idea of leaving, even emotionally. But something hit me the other day. I'm not 100% sure I buy it (yet), but I think I might be onto something. I don't intend to spend the rest of my life alone after I leave. If I leave now, and get back on my feet, and feel whole and ready, I will eventually, somehow, somewhere, I pursue another relationship, or make the attempt. OK, no problem there. As it is, were Will still the picture, it's possible that when I'm ready, I might at least try to pursue something with him (if he's even around or ready [he may not be; he has his own battles to fight], if he's still unattached, etc.) So does it matter if I know that? It will be someone anyway, does it really make that much difference if I think it might be him? And really, it was a brief meeting, a momentary crush, so it's not even likely that it would be. As long as I am sure that I'm not leaving this relationship FOR him (and a weekend crush plus roughly over a decade of wrestling with the question qualifies), does it matter? It's still scary to imagine, but I'm thinking it doesn't.
Then again, part of my fear could be that I might be assuming that once I leave, I can go find this guy and he and I can happily get together and that's actually WILDLY unrealistic and then....what? I'll be alone? I'll be hurt? My heart will be broken? I'm contemplating divorce and being single again; those are pretty much a given at some point. That's simply a risk of leaving a relationship regardless; maybe you leave this one and the next one won't work out. Welcome to life, yeah? That will be a risk I will take whenever I someday try to build a new relationship. Again, as long as I can be sure I'm not leaving BECAUSE of Will, so what? And really, I am sure.
So, for now, my timeline remains:: conversation after the holidays, likely resulting in separation. No idea what we'll do about the house, we have the sprout, so there will be lawyers and custody and crap. *shudder* I'm thinking maybe over summer, depending on how and what the Niblet is doing, I might start applying to PhD programs.
It's not much of a plan, I suppose, but it's a start. It's a start that feels oddly like...sanity. And freedom, even?
