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lunadelcorvo) wrote2017-01-15 06:02 pm
lunadelcorvo) wrote2017-01-15 06:02 pm
Entry tags:
So, life.
Once again it's been too long. And, as always seems to be the case, life is a mixed bag; lot of good, good bit of not-so-good.
Still teaching, but the stress of wondering, every semester, if I will get enough classes to be able to stay afloat is wearying in the extreme. So far, this time, from my main uni, I have only one for fall. My other uni didn't give me a class this spring (first time since I started there), and hasn't begin their fall scheduling yet. I'm also teaching at a middle/high school, which I really love, but they don't schedule until mid- to late-summer. So for now, I'm on pins and needles, wondering just how tight I'll be pulling my belt come fall. And fall is the worse of the two semesters to not have a reasonably full load, coming as it does on the hells of summer, which is always lean in and of itself.
Then there is the massive fear/anxiety/depression/anger/stress over the election and they way the next four years are shaping up. I hope I am being hyperbolic when I say that I suspect within a year this nation will be unrecognizable. On the one hand it feels like hyperbole, but then again, we got this far because we have, as a culture, become far too adept at ignoring what is right before our noses. More on that in another post, lest I get too maudlin here!
The kiddo is flourishing for the most part. he's a bright and talented high school sophomore (how in the hell did THAT happen?), and he's looking at pursuing engineering. My middle and high school students are a bright spot of hope in these times; far more capable, literate, informed, and motivated than 99.9% of my college students. Yes, it's a private school, but still; they shame my college kids. I find this both inspiring and incredibly sad - inspiring for the hope these amazing children give, and sad for the ones who are in their early 20s with no grasp of life or the world around them. How did they ever get out of high school? ANd how will they ever be bale to function as citizens? (that may not be an issue soon anyway, I suppose....)
For me, personally, life is still a struggle at times, and a joy at others. (Like everyone, right?) I am nowhere near 'over' the collapse of my marriage and with it, many portions of my future. I cannot imagine ever entering into a relationship again; the notion makes me almost physically ill. At the same time, I am often so lonely, it takes my breath away. Sill, even when lonely, I love having my house to myself, and my time to myself, and just being *me.* So, it goes in stages.
Still teaching, but the stress of wondering, every semester, if I will get enough classes to be able to stay afloat is wearying in the extreme. So far, this time, from my main uni, I have only one for fall. My other uni didn't give me a class this spring (first time since I started there), and hasn't begin their fall scheduling yet. I'm also teaching at a middle/high school, which I really love, but they don't schedule until mid- to late-summer. So for now, I'm on pins and needles, wondering just how tight I'll be pulling my belt come fall. And fall is the worse of the two semesters to not have a reasonably full load, coming as it does on the hells of summer, which is always lean in and of itself.
Then there is the massive fear/anxiety/depression/anger/stress over the election and they way the next four years are shaping up. I hope I am being hyperbolic when I say that I suspect within a year this nation will be unrecognizable. On the one hand it feels like hyperbole, but then again, we got this far because we have, as a culture, become far too adept at ignoring what is right before our noses. More on that in another post, lest I get too maudlin here!
The kiddo is flourishing for the most part. he's a bright and talented high school sophomore (how in the hell did THAT happen?), and he's looking at pursuing engineering. My middle and high school students are a bright spot of hope in these times; far more capable, literate, informed, and motivated than 99.9% of my college students. Yes, it's a private school, but still; they shame my college kids. I find this both inspiring and incredibly sad - inspiring for the hope these amazing children give, and sad for the ones who are in their early 20s with no grasp of life or the world around them. How did they ever get out of high school? ANd how will they ever be bale to function as citizens? (that may not be an issue soon anyway, I suppose....)
For me, personally, life is still a struggle at times, and a joy at others. (Like everyone, right?) I am nowhere near 'over' the collapse of my marriage and with it, many portions of my future. I cannot imagine ever entering into a relationship again; the notion makes me almost physically ill. At the same time, I am often so lonely, it takes my breath away. Sill, even when lonely, I love having my house to myself, and my time to myself, and just being *me.* So, it goes in stages.
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Is it possible for an entire world to go mad together?
In any case, we can only resist. And survive to build a better future when we can.
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Ugh, I'm sorry getting classes is so rough. I wanted to go back for my phd SO badly, but it looks more and more like I won't. Its just not worth it with the academic job market as it is. :\
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Yeah, it's a bear. I'd like nothing more than to get on full time with the private school I've been working with. I'd miss the college level teaching, but these kids are amazing and I really believe in what the school is doing. And frankly, I could live without the headbashingly bad writing and college (well, the one I teach at anyway) kid entitlement....
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OMG-- I can so relate to your last paragraph!
I'm coming fresh off the ending of a 25 year marriage and I keep wishing it were easier. I can't imagine ever entering into a relationship again either (the surrendering of myself I was once able to give seems foolish and scary to consider again...) I have no real family, and though I very much like my roommates, I don't know how long this arrangement will last and I often feel lonely. I'm grateful for my two rooms upstairs that are *mine*.
It seems like it's getting easier, but not very swiftly. I am so tired of feeling adrift and mournful.
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It's a long process, to be sure.... Well, come to think of it that could apply to any part of your comment... LOL
As to the relationship....thing; well, this is why we have pixel crushes, and fandoms, and chocolate. I know I'm in no hurry, and if that means I never end up with anyone, well, I may be OK with that. Maybe not *happy,* but OK. Maybe. :)
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I told a friend the other day that, in hindsight, this horrible election was many years in the making. We're not only a racist nation, but an ignorant one as well. The perfect storm of that plus a rigged system was just enough to give us one of the worst presidents so far in US history.
Best of luck on the relationship thing. And don't forget, if you're up for exploring a bit, it's not a false binary between nothing vs. a committed monogamous relationship.
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It's not just the notion of a relationship - the notion of *any* kind of intimacy--emotional or physical--all but gives me hives. Meh, this is why we have pixel-crushes, no? LOL