I completely understand. It seems you and I are noticing the very same things, and you're right: there is that division of needs-- one to hide in a haven and one to face the world as it is and prepare.

I came to the same place you're in now, as I'm sure you're well aware.

I'll always have my little escapes, but the focus of my life is exactly attuned to a very difficult future. I'd like to believe in "salvation" and Lady knows I've witnessed more than a few miracles in my time that might give me reason to indulge in something like religious faith. But I can't. I just can't rely on anyone but myself and a few trusted allies and loved ones. Our future is out of our hands, but how we meet it...? That's up to us.

I admire you clear-eyed analytical and philosophical take on things. Have for a long time. I understand the draw towards Medieval studies. But... yeah.

{{HUGS}}